We recently went to San Diego for a long weekend and she came along. She did not go for walks on the beach but once. I guess that was better than not at all. She would get up we would tell her to shower and then we would all go to breakfast. After her shower though it seems she did not smell fresh and clean like most do after a shower. I suggested where the soap and shampoo was each day for her and that seemed to help. I did notice this before we left and I also noticed her not showering daily like she was when she first came here to live with us.

Today I woke and took a long hot bath. I always loved baths. I think I inherited that from Mom. She always loved bubble baths. That was one of the things I would always get her for birthdays and Christmas was baths salts, lotions, sweet-smelling soaps. She loves raspberry anything. So after my bath when I was getting dressed I heard her go downstairs like usual. By the way today is Sunday. Yesterday she did the same thing, this is her daily routine. Get up, get dress, have a cup of coffee with sweet cream.

This routine I have come to notice lately does not involve a shower. I asked my husband if she showered this week and he told me the last time she showered was when we returned from San Diego and I washed the sheets on her bed. Which was a week and a half ago. Oh my, I thought. I have been trying to help her keep her dignity and just giving suggestions and not saying take a bath or remember use soap. I read that dementia patients forget the bathing ritual but did not realize it was happening already to my Mom.. Yesterday I notice a bad body odor and thought it was me since I was cleaning house, running around doing all sorts of chores. I showered and it did not go away. I put it all together and realized – Mom needs a bath!

How was I going to approach this. She is not always cooperative. Plus if she feels wronged look out! I talked with my husband and he just listened as I tried to figure things out. He said maybe she feels unstable in the shower. Then I remembered! She loves bathes! I got dressed and asked her she had a shower yet and she said ,”No.” I reminded her we were busy yesterday and she did not get a chance to bathe yesterday. I asked if she would like me to draw her a hot bath. She nearly ran up the stairs. I left the water running and laid everything out, asked if she needed anything and she replied , “No.” Again not wanting to infringe on her dignity or privacy. A few seconds later she is in the tub sitting down and I hear the shower running. I popped my head and saw her sitting there with the shower on. Again, OH MY. I told her, here let me help. I turned if off and notice the was just splashing water around not even touching the soap. So I suggested I wash her back for her. She gladly agreed, afterward I soaped up the cloth and gave it to her to continue. I asked if she would like if I washed her hair. “Oh Yes,” she said. She was really enjoying the bath. We started to soak her teeth when she took them out she looked like a little old apple faced lady. I told her she looked so funny and she started laughing, she kept trying to talk just to be silly. We were busting a gut. She told me thank you for helping her and she said she just wanted to stay in the tub. It was relaxing for her. I told her I can draw a bath and help her nightly before she goes to bed. She said, “I would love that.” Problem solved.

So the wheels have turned or should I say the faucet. Mom would draw bathes for me as a child and wash my back and hair, trim my toes tails and make me feel beautiful, fresh and clean. I can do the same for her. A nice routine. A great way to spend needed time together.

Mmmmmm nothing like a hot bath!

I love you Mom!

Well by the time that I was allowed to wear make-up, I did not want to. Being a hippie of the “70′s” awe natural was more my style and still is today. But mom loved her make-up. Foundation, powder, eye shadow, liner, mascara, eye brows, and of course lipstick! Every now and then I would apply her make-up to show her how to look a bit more natural and not so made up. I remember going to modeling classes where they taught us how to apply make-up and I would come home and could not wait to show my mom the latest color or application process. In hopes she would not be so made up. Eventually she toned it down and resorted to just some eye shadow, rouge, eye brows and yes, lipstick. I think she owned every shade of red and pink know to man or at least to Avon.

To this day she likes to put make up on when she goes out. Almost everyday she wear lipstick, even to go to the grocery store. But I think she has lost the Avon touch. Several months ago as we went to visit her sister she came out with purple eye brows. I mean it went well with her turquoise shirt. I said nothing and let it be. But her latest kick is the uni brow look. My mom has a beautiful head of thick grey hair and grey eyebrows to match. So when we get ready to go out and she comes down with black eye brows, yikes! I had no idea Groucho Marx was in the house. Really mom?

Today we were getting ready to a friends house for Labor Day. When she came down, yes, Groucho was in the house. I asked her what she did to her pretty grey eye brows and she said “she did them.” I told her her eye brows look nice lighter with her grey hair. I even tried to get her to come swimming with us in hopes it would wash off before we went out. I had no idea how to tell her she looked silly. She really did! I thought I did a good job when I suggested I liked her grey eye brows. She hates them she says she has no eye brows and they have to show. OH WELL!

4 hours later, myself, my husband and Groucho went to the party. She hugged all the strangers she has never met, “Hello” and then “Goodbye.” We all had a great time, she even ate 2 desserts! Thank goodness we need to get those calories in her. She has lost more weight. You would never know though because her eye brows weigh a ton! Or at least look like they do!

Well, I love you Groucho- I mean MOM!

It was so sad to watch her sit at home when she lived with my father sitting, just sitting. If they were not fighting about trivial matters, there was silence. No conversation at all. It’s no wonder she has a hard time with having a conversation now. She may have forgotten how, damn it! I know it is part of the disease to loose words in mid-sentence, but I wonder many times if they kept active or had fun conversations would this have happened. When I was back in Illinois this summer I would watch as she sat with a blank stare on her face. “Hello, mom are you there.”

She has been with us just over a week now. We had a little get together yesterday. Everyone came over we had a great time. Even mom, she chatted a bit with my friends. She was limited to a few sentences but never really more. She would forget something mid-sentence or interject into a conversation with a story that was totally off topic. At one point when the conversation was about things that make us angry, uh-oh, mom let loose about how awful my father was to her. Some of her social graces beginning to disappear. Everyone was great though, they would help her along, throwing out words and laugh with her as she giggled liked a little girl at a party. At one point she joked, “I must be getting old, maybe I have dementia.”

Today she woke and told me what a fun time she had and how nice my friends are. Did I mention they are all teachers so they have the patience of a saint. I really appreciated their patient with mom. I was really happy to have a time that my mom could be social again. She deserves to have fun, don’t we all. Life is about the good times with friends and the connections we make with them. Mom has not been happy for a long time, so I take pleasure in seeing her laugh and have fun!

She is funny and silly. She loves to play jokes on us and tease us. You know what – LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLL!

I love you Mom!

She goes for walks with him and the dogs in the early cool morning hours. Has breakfast, Tim makes what I ask him to for her and on occasion she will seek out her own breakfast and sometimes lunch. Today he told me, she said to him, “I am ready for lunch.” A good sign she has an appetite. It seems no matter what he makes her or gives her, when I ask her what she had for lunch she tells me a sandwich then proceeds to tell me what a great sandwich he makes. This goes back to the second day she was here and he made us sandwiches while we were in the pool. She said’ Tim makes great sandwiches.” She ate a whole sandwich that day and she never eats a whole sandwich, but that day she did.

So today for lunch she had tuna macaroni salad. When I got home I asked what she had for lunch, she said of course, a sandwich. Which was then followed by the reply, “Tim makes great sandwiches.” He does make great sandwiches. It is the sandwich theory. If you do not make it, it will most inevitably will “taste great.”

Thanks Tim – You make great sandwiches <3

I love you mom!

While in college it was a real struggle, like most young people  who try to pay for college themselves I worked three jobs and was determined to finish. Granted a four year program took me six but I graduated none the less. But let me back up just a few and give you my mothers working history. She attained a GED because she had to quit high school to have me. After receiving her GED she went on to Jr. College for nursing. She always had the desire to care for people so it seemed logical with her schooling she would work in a caretaker capacity. So for several years she worked in a nursing home. Eventually she quit because it was too much for her emotionally to see the lack of care and the slow death of many aging patients.

Now back to my promise.

I was close to graduating, a year away and all working funds were going toward my education and transportation. I still needed a small loan, about $2500 to enroll for the fall semester. In tears I went to my parents and my fathers reply was, “If you want it, make it happen. Not my problem figure it out.” I left in tears. The next day my Mom asked me to go with her to the bank she was working at at that time, (just one of her hundreds of jobs- Dad made her always quit) As I walked in she had me go to the front desk and ask to talk to a loan officer. I told her I could not afford a loan. She said with my help you can. She cosigned on a student loan for me and I got that semester paid for. On the way out she told me – “I do this because I love you and believe in you, but you have to promise me one thing. Never put me in a nursing home – I quit there because it is a horrible place.”  I promised. She never mentioned it again. Not even to this day. But every time she threw me a $20 or bought me something this promise was in the back of my mind.

So you see I am not this wonderful daughter everyone keeps saying I am. I just keep my promises, wouldn’t you?

I love you mom!

Mom hops down the stairs, “Good morning daughter.” I am beginning to wonder if that is going to be my new name. I have not had the heart to ask her what my name is. We chat over breakfast and I ask if she wants to go swimming. Her reply, “I didn’t know you had a pool.” I have lived here 14 years and she was here for my son’s graduation last year. I have a glimpse into her dementia.

We spend part of the morning watching my tortoise walk around the yard. Then we go swimming. She was so chatty like a lil’ kid on vacation. She keep saying how beautiful it is here. Last year she was afraid of the pool. Today she splashed and frolic to no avail. Laughed at the dog  jumping in the pool and basked in the sun. Oh no! I forgot to put sun screen on her- thank goodness she is olive skinned like me – NO sunburn, whew. I do not want to be a bad daughter!

Lunch, laundry, errands, social security.

She could not remember her address in the social security office. The man was so sweet and patient. She kept telling him how lucky she is and what a great daughter I am. It’s really nothing. This is my Mom!

She kisses me goodnight and goes to bed. I love you mom!